Ever been to an Orthodox Jewish wedding before? Didn't think so. My family is Orthodox, and I was raised totally observant, believe it or not. It was awful. I myself want nothing to do with religion and as you can imagine, this has caused much tension between me and my family over the years.

I guess I'm related to the groom, but don't ask me how. Both my parents are only children so I have no first aunts, uncles or cousins. Plus, most of my grandparents' families were killed off in the holocaust. Consequently the few relatives we still have are pretty distantly related. It's all 2nd, 3rd, four times removed, blah blah. I can't keep track.

My mom gets super psyched to see me in a dress. She took a bazillion pictures of me but I refused to smile. Get ready for the shocker...

Here's my dad shooting up insulin into his stomach right at the freakin dinner table. He was like, should I go do this in the bathroom? Nahh...

HA HA HA! You like my little pink suit with the little matching bows? Me neither!

Me getting totally plastered with my (2rd? 3rd?) cousin Nicky, the only relative I have even remotely close to my age. My mom was really pissed that I didn't bring a nice purse. I was like, what's wrong with my LeSportsac??

Then there's the hours of Jewish dancing. Oh lord. The bride and her mom sit there while her friends do silly dance routines for her. The band was cool though. It's always fun watching a Hasidic guy rock out on electric guitar. He was LOVING his solos. Darn, I forgot to take a picture. (I was hammered at this point.)

The rest of Jewish wedding dancing consists of endless variations on line dances like the Alley Cat or the Electric Slide, but like, to hebrew songs.

The men and women dance separately. The men use this as an opportunity to touch each other.

I took a little video of the women circle-dancing around the bride to a hebrew version of that "I come from the land down under" song by Men At Work. I am not even kidding. Check it out. It might take a little time to download, but it is so worth it.

Song of the day: If I ever get married, this is the song I wanna walk down the aisle to. Not a dry eye in the house!

Someday we'll find it...