Soundtrack: "Where The Hell Is Bill?" - Camper Van Beethoven
I am on day 2 of "The Master Cleanse" right now and 2 things: 1) Chugging a quart of warm
saltwater makes me gag, and 2) I AM SO FUCKING HUNGRY! So hungry, so hungry, so
hungry. In case you haven't heard about "The Master Cleanse" it's where you chug a quart of
saltwater in the morning and then don't eat anything except for this disgusting concoction of lemons,
molasses, and cayenne pepper for 10 days or longer. Somehow Amie convinced me to do it with
her and it's making me feel crazzzzzyyyyyyyy. I don't know if I'll be able to hold out. I'm trying
to distract myself by blogging, so if things don't make sense here it's because my brain is starving.
Oh anyway, this is Ryan in the jacuzzi at Great Jones Spa. It's so nice there! We went there to get
colonics. For some reason I've become obsessed with cleaning out my intestines. I'd never had
a colonic before. It was unpleasant! I mean, you're pooping in a tube while a woman massages
your stomach, basically squeezing the poo out of you. I felt so bad for the woman and I kept
apologizing to her for having to watch me poop, but she just laughed.
[UPDATE: Well, I only made it one and a half days. I am a cleansing failure. 36 hours into it, my
intestines were so mad at me they were trying to punch my face through my stomach. The saltwater
made me double-over in painful cramps and the lemonade was so disgusting I only had 3 of them
when I should have had 6. No thank you! I think I'll hold on to my toxins for a wee bit longer. Better
yet I'll stick to steam rooms and sweat it all out. Ahhh.]
Here's Signe with her very adorable pooch, Shady. This is a lil' sneak peek of an upcoming Cute
Show episode. Sorry about the lag time between episodes, btw. I have two episodes "in the can,"
as they say (I dunno who says that. Someone must.), so hopefully we'll get to editing soon. I'm
supposed to start doing 2 episodes a month now. Good luck me!
Oh yeah, and I had to quit being the door-lady for Smiths Night. I know! I made it through the brutal
winter, having to wear 2 layers of thermals and stick those little heat-up packets in my boots and
now that it's getting warm out, I'm all, see ya. Classic me. Anyway, I had to. Apparently showing up
to work at 2pm on Mondays wasn't "working" for my boss. (Kidders!)
Things I will miss: The awesome regulars...
The lovely staff...
Mah boyz! And all their hilarious Jew jokes. *sniff!*
So, that new Whole Foods on Houston, eh? The best thing about it are these crazy cupcakes! I love them!
I got one for Thomas for his birthday.
This section is called "All About Thomas!" Thomas is one of my most favorite coworkers. He knows
about every funny YouTube thing and recently hepped me to the Mini-Mall Song and Shoes, which
apparently are old news to the rest of the world, but they're new to me and I enjoy them heartily.
Also, Thomas seems to like every band I liked in high school even though he is 10 years younger than
me. I have him to thank for my rediscovery of Camper Van Beethoven's Telephone Free Landslide
Victory. I used to love that album! The nostalgia I feel when I listen to it now is really something.
He bit the face of that cupcake right the fuck off.
And washed it down with "Fufu Berry"-flavored soda, which the fine folks at Jones Soda sent us so
we could write about sodas, I guess. Hey, it worked!
Here we see Thomas wearing the Fuck-Off Vest. The Fuck-Off Vest is a leather vest that, when
worn, indicates that you should not under any circumstances talk to or otherwise engage with the
wearer. It wasn't working so well though, because not everyone knows the rules of the Fuck-Off
Vest, so I added my own rather obvious 2-cents to the outfit. (PS: I know Patrick scooped me
on this photo but I don't care!)
Thomas and I have also started a new workplace tradition, wherein every time we finish an issue
we get WA-HASTED on progressively worse things to get wasted on. (Kinda like that montage in
Wet Hot American Summer where they smoke a joint and by the end they're lying in the corner
of a crackhouse, covered in scabs and twitching.)
For example, first came whiskey...
Then came glue...
Then, some salvia...