So I went to London and Glasgow for a wee vacation, yeah? I've never been to the UK and I've always wanted to go and so I just went! Anyway, this is a good picture to start off with cuz it's like the most touristy British picture ever. The phones, the vespas, the doubledecker bus and Oliver: All English, all awesome!

Oliver graciously came down from university to be my tour-guide. We rode the doubledecker buses a lot and he did a really good job pretending to point out things of importance...

...Like bars with funny names....

...And scallies! Oliver is obsessed with scallies and chavs and neds and all that. From what I can figure, it's like a British cross between white trash, wiggers and guidos. The boys wear track suits and stand around on the street with their hands down their pants. That's like, what they do. I tried to get a picture of some sitting here but I wasn't ambitious enough. Click here to find out more about this fascinating subculture.

But the tube station escalators--now they were impressive! They were gi-normous and went so fast. Best escalators ever! New York escalators are ruined for me now. I feel like the escalators in NY have to go really slow because people here are idiots and would get themselves killed if the escalators went too fast. Like at my train station on Delancey they have this escalator and there's this big flashing sign with instructions on how to hold on to the railings and how not to get your child mangled in the steps and all this obvious shit. Ugh. How embarrassing for New York.

Not too impressed with Piccadilly Circus or Leicester Square... I dunno, big movie theaters and chain stores, whatevs.

Went to the Vice UK office and said hi to Andy...

And Pegah, who you may remember used to work at Vice USA until she got deported and now she works at Vice UK, and so she took me over to the Vice pub, the Old Blue Last, which was spookily just like being in Williamsburg... (more on the Vice Pub later)

That night Oliver took me to his favorite party "Pop Starz," London's "Biggest Queer Alternative." (heh heh!) It was was just like being at Misshapes. Actually now that I think about it, most of the parties I went to in London were just like being at Misshapes...

Gee, I wonder why Oliver likes it there so much?

We stayed at Craig and Tony's house which is humungous and awesome with five hundred spare rooms and almost as many bathrooms. I couldn't have wished for better accomadations. Plus, it's in Stoke Newington which has a large Hasidic population so I felt right at home.

See?

So anyway, the next day we woke up and oh my god, have you ever smoked this stuff called Salvia??? It's totally legal and it's the best drug ever! Here are Oliver and Craig in a Salvia stupor. I can barely explain how amazing this shit is. It only lasts like 3 minutes but you totally go into another reality. Like, the first time I did it, all these yellow ribbons started shooting out of my skin and wrapping around me in a warm, loving cocoon. Also I could make the ribbons swirl around in these gorgeous patterns by waving my hand around and I kept saying to Oliver, "Look what I'm doing! Can you see that!" And when he was like, "uh no," I couldn't fathom how he couldn't see this beautiful thing I was making. Also, when I came to I realized I was drooling. But apparently everyone drools when they do it. Then the next time I did it, I listened to a Nick Drake song on my headphones and I swear to god these wavy roads formed directly out of the music! And I was like sledding down these roads made of music! Ha ha, oh man, I know how cheesy it sounds, but trust me, you gotta try it!

Oliver in the backyard with Gilbert and George.

After the Salvia wore off (no hangover or anything--miracle drug!) we went to the Tate Modern which was nice but we have museums in New York so it's kinda like whatever, you know? Still, the big bridge you have to cross over the Thames was pretty cool.

"Mind that child!" I dunno, I thought that was funny.

Would you believe me if I said I actually sampled the jellied eels and they were actually pretty good? Didn't think so.

Craig took us to an opening at Maureen Paley gallery. I guess galleries are pretty much the same everywhere, huh?

Sunday night I DJed at the Vice pub. Or I should say Sunday afternoon since they were like, yeah be there at 6pm. 6? Who DJs at 6? I guess since the bars close at 11pm they start pretty early over there.

Scary thing is, when I got there at 6pm, this dude was already passed out and so this other dude stuck a chocolate bar in his crack...

Then they placed a heater at his butt to melt the chocolate. A fine effort!

My view from the DJ booth. I guess I didn't exactly "wow" the crowd. It's funny, in New York when you play the Smiths people go apeshit, but in London playing the Smiths is like playing the national anthem or "Happy Birthday" or something. Total snoozefest.

Vauxhall & I (ha ha)

The next page is a good one!